I have moved.

Yes that’s right, I have moved to a new blog site. It’s been fun having my own blog but why keep it to myself when I can share it with the whole internet community?

So yeah, I’ll be updating as often as I can in the new one. It’s a waste to delete this blog so I’ll just leave it here until it reput.

Till then, please update your links to http://blog.lowyat.net/eddyhan.

This is be the last post in this site. Wish me luck!

Words cannot express how frustrated and angry I am right now till the point I just want to do a bunny hop in the middle of the road.

Once in a while, there are always some depressing situations that happen at some random timing that just reminds me of how some people can be really and truly the ultimate, undisputed champion of a kaninabuehcaucibai.

I was planning to post about my trip with the missus to Cameron but the anger had seep so deeply into my head that if I don’t do anything about it I’m gonna burst out and whank myself to death. Then I will come back to life again and whank another round and die one more time.

So before I bore you with the aftermaths, let me tell you a story… about… ermm a guy called Andy!

Andy is this kind-hearted, super charming and handsome guy. Not to mention smart and cool and a fantasy to all girls in the whole universe.

Did I mention that he is handsome? Oh yeah I did. But he is like He-Man. He-Man is Master of the Universe. Andy is Handsome of the Universe!

Ok so anyway one day Andy had to run some errands for one of his business partners. A client had some problems installing some software and Andy was called to help out.

So Andy made his way to the client’s office.

The client was not around but she left a message saying that one of her vendors will help me out and direct me to the “patient”. Let’s name this vendor, De-dood.

Andy: Ok so which PC you want to install the software?
De-dood: The whole place, how many PC can you see? Only one right? So it’s this one loh? You not blind right?

Immediately Andy knew he was in deep shit.

Andy: Sorry, I didn’t know it’s here. I thought it’s some PC outside of this room.
De-dood: I think ah, you need to shut up and start working. Your software is stupid and lousy and I don’t understand why the client waste money buys this shit la. Cannot install also.

And he said that right in my face somemore. I meant he said it right into Andy’s face.

But Andy has a skin as thick as 10 kevlar stuck together so verbal abuse doesn’t really make him angry. It’s the visual abuse that is ticking him off.

You see, that De-dood guy, is one fucking ugly mother fucker! So ugly, I think his parents disowned him immediately after they gave birth to him. Hence his epic failed sarcasm was formed.

To give you a detail on how De-dood looked like, his face look something like the image below:

Exactly copy and pasted I tell you.

So Andy ignored De-dood’s comments and continued to work. He was rushing for time and wanted to finish installing the software as soon as he can.

De-dood: How you guys ah can sell this shit software wannn? We try install 2 days already also cannot install. So lousy wannn.
Andy: Well every different operating system has different way of installing. But mostly minor variations.
De-dood: You expert mah.. you do it la. Haiyah so lousy I tell boss to buy from me better la.
Andy: I have no problem. You can try if you want.
De-dood: Haiyah I confirm ten thousand percent will get la. Your shit software can only sell in pasar malam. I think the people simply write the software cos they wanna pangsai adi HAHAH!

Andy scratched his head as didn’t get that joke at all.

And he’s even more confused when De-dood was laughing vigorously like a donkey HEEE HAWWW HEEE HAWWWWWW with the long HAWWWWWWWWW!

De-dood continued to bla bla bla yadda yadda yadda bla bla bla and dissing Andy while praising himself till the point Andy couldn’t take it no more and blurted out…

Andy: Eh bro, can you smell something smelly here ah?
De-dood: What smelly?
Andy: Dunno la *sniff* *sniff* smell a bit like cau cibai! Oh fuck it’s your mouth la. Your mouth damn smelly. You got brush teeth anot ah?

And Andy, unable to contain his punchline; laughed like a donkey as well HEE HAWW HEEE HAWWWW!

De-dood silently walked out of the room, giving Andy his peace and quiet. But Andy was pretty sure De-dood was emotionally hurt cos he was in the toilet for quite long. Either he was shitting or he was eating shit. Whatever tickles his fancy.

BTW, the software doesn’t want to install cos the operating system is a pirated version.

Nice one la.

Yeah this is a bit late but I thought I should put it up since I need to remind myself what I did before and after I berberak-berak and bermuntah-muntah.

Moonshine @ Laundry, Curve

Albert was nice enough to let me tag along with him to Moonshine this round. I knew that I’m gonna learn a lot cos most of the events that I go involves very low light condition (they were either in a bar or pub or something) so there were just so many questions to ask.

In return, I treated him dinner and some drinks and also be his driver. Money worth I tell you.

I saw an old picture of him and last time he was not really this thin.

Part of the conversation with him was how he acquired his kick-ass Sony Alpha 900. He actually ate cup noodles for a while just to save a tiny portion of money for that. He said he did it just to make it “feel” worth it cos in the end there’s not much savings in there.

I can’t really remember most of the band names or even the names of those singer. But I can remember what they did on the stage.

For instance like the duo above. They sang a song called “Engkau Babi” or something like that. The catchy chorus was so vulgar, I laughed hard like a donkey.

There were one female in one of the bands…

…whom is looking behind…

…at herself in the tv screen.

Then suddenly out of nowhere, this rocker came out to the floor and shook the stage.

He was insane, jumping around, rolling on the floor while playing his guitar, showing everything on the stage as though he was in a trance.

My eyes were 2 times its width.

Saw Ling and Avril there as well…

There was another guy friend that was there as well. He asked Avril why not date me. LUCKILY she mentioned to him that I’m off the market.

Err.. lucky not because she’s not pretty or ermmm ok nvm.

Then… it was…

BeerCamp @ Aliyaa

Unfortunately I was not able to drink that night. And June don’t drink at all. And I had to go home early cos the crowd and the smoke was making me nausea and wanted to die already. Overall the event was nice. There was a theme; black and fuchsia.

And they gave everyone a condom as a ticket. Wern Shen happy with his ticket cos he know what he’s gonna use it for (his hands…). And FatCat shaking the condom vigorously for this picture which I’m not sure what he’s trying to re-enact.

Maybe FatCat ermm… and Wern Shen… ermm… nvm.

I was damn sad cos I cannot drink that night. And I was fucking sick as well. And it was Valentines day so I know I’m definitely not getting any from the missus. Fuck fucking hell. Can I get muh money back?

I didn’t know what they had planned that night cos I left early. But looking at the way they setup the props I’m sure there will be very “entertaining” games.

Another reason for me to curse MACIBAI FUCKING HELL WHY I FELL SICK KANINNE!

They had this form cum survey which they distributed. You’re suppose to fill in names of people who fit the criteria listed in those boxes on the form.

I would’ve qualified all but we can only fill one name per box.

Someone happily signed his name on “I have had a relationship with a stripper or a prostitute”. This one typical hamsaplou who pays for it.

Another happily signed her name on “Still a virgin”. This one is an extinct species in KL.

I thought she was joking at first. After signing a couple of more forms, I asked her if she was serious. End up kena pinched both sides by the sister and my missus.

Easy to pinch la cos berak so much; it’s a tayar pancit on both of my sides.

Cheryl and Chak were damn funny the whole night. Cheryl kept on asking me if I could see her eyes each time I take a picture. And Chak was as red as a tomato.

He reminds me of one of the warriors in Red Cliff. The red color one.

Raj’s shirt damn cool. It says, “Hi! My name is RAJ. And if I am too drunk to know where I live, please return me to… Address SS2 City PJ”. Not sure if he got drunk anot la.

And to those who didn’t attend the night, you missed so much you know.

Cos there were plenty of handsome guys…

… with a mic and rabbit teeth…

… and also pretty girls…

… whom dressed quite fun. Nee.

Oops camwhore picture time. Must put up one la at least.

From left to right: Beauty and the beast. I mean best! Beauty and the best.

That’s the sound that filled my weekend with pleasure and pressure right from last Friday night till yesterday.

Before I tell you in detail what happened on my weekend, let me ask you this.

Have you experience the…

BROWN FLOW OF DEATH?

No? You’re in luck. Let me tell this recent wonderful experience of mine.

It’s like tap water. Once you open it and WOW, there will be overflowing of serenity, joy and relieve. Flows out like water. Very fluent water flow. Fast and can’t stop if you want to. Prolly it’s a good idea not to stop it.

Now, the only thing is that it’s brown. And omits a funkay type of smell. Not smelly though. Just funkay.

But if you ignore the funkay smell, the flow of death is actually a form of brown art!

Cos it sprays evenly into the toilet bowl.

But sometimes it hits outside the toilet bowl.

And some onto the toilet floor.

And maybe some sprinkles to my ass cheeks.

And on my legs.

But it doesn’t matter. There’s art all over.

And it’s a controllable art I might add. Cos it comes out in batches.

Explosive batches.

You can control where it blasts itself. On the left a bit. On the right a bit. Or you just wanna spam the centre that’s fine also.

Sometimes it shoots blank. Only air comes out. More funkay smell.

Now you know what they say, practice makes perfect.

And I would say I have PLENTY amount of practices. So now I am damn pro if I want to re-enact the..

BROWN FLOW OF DEATH.

Yes people. That’s how sad I was. For 3 wholesome fucking days and nights I’ve been going in and out of the toilet just to master this art. Squatted till my legs almost detach itself from my body.

Yeah I squat. I can’t sit. If I sit, the uncomfortable pose just make it doesn’t wanna come out.

However, someone (better not say his name or else he cannot cari makan no more) told me he needs to sit, and he can’t squat. Cos if he squats, his dick will touch the inner parts of the toilet bowl.

That’s a very shallow toilet bowl you got there heh. You do it on the floor or something?

Anyway, the whole pressure started when I went for an appointment in 1Utama. It was a late tea meeting and I didn’t had any lunch so after the meeting, I went to my favorite salon to get my hair cut and proceeded to Carls Junior and tarpau something to eat.

Waited for 20 minutes for my order; which I don’t know why, played some solitaire on my phone while waiting.

After it was ready I took off to my office.

Ate some fries along the way. The traffic was heavy so the fries was finished by the time I got back.

So after I settled down, whipped out the burger and ate the mafaka up.

Two hours later, I felt sleepy. Not sure why.

I called it a day and went back home for a nap. And when I woke up, that’s when the horror starts.

My body starts outputting both ways; from the bottom and from the top. All the Carls Junior came out through the throat. Can taste the fries somemore.

Repeat 3 times.

Unable to withstand the suffering, I went to see the doctor. Gave me some medicines. Took it immediately.

Went home and did the BROWN FLOW OF DEATH and WHITE FLOW OF CARLS JUNIOR again.

This went on till 3AM in the morning. And it was crazy. I puked till the point when there’s nothing to puke no more.

The next thing I knew; I eat medicine, I puke medicine. I drink water, I puke water. Till the point I am so thirsty can die dot com dot my.

No choice, I drove myself to see the doctor again. Although she told me that I should go to the hospital to get an IV drip, I told her to give me a jap and then see how first la.

So she did. Not sure if she got see any brown art stuck on my ass anot la but I was already to sick to care.

Puke lesser after that. But still go toilet constantly. My body has a way to cleanse itself.

So yeah, like this lor. Berberak-berak non-stop until yesterday.

Damn pain I tell you. I mean my asshole la. It like kena rape non-stop.

I’ve never felt so violated *cry cry *. My asshole is so lose right now, you can side park a Myvi inside already I think.

But the worse part is not this. I look myself in the mirror yesterday and guess what I saw?

What used to be a spare tyre around my waist, now becomes a tayar pancit. Sigh…

At least that was what I felt when I went to cover an event last night.

Needless to say, although it was the first event for me in the year 2009, it has set a very, very high bar as the worse event I have attended this year.

The rain didn’t make it any better.

The invite states that registration starts at 6.30PM. So knowing that the traffic will not be an accommodating factor at that period, both Wern Shen (”W”) and I left at 5.30PM only to find out that there’s a flood happening just outside our office.

No joke man! Have you seen a Viva trying to go through this pool of water?

The thing about the water is not the depth of it. Have you seen the longkang near my office before on a “dry” day?

No? Ok picture this: One nice mix ABC of rubbish, shit, dead carcass of a cat, more shit, phlegm, dead carcass of a dog, more rubbish, some burger basi, shit, more shit, dirty underwear, uneaten doughnut… all mixed into one nice longkang which is stucked.

And on top of this nice recipe for plague; a very thick layer of goo. I believe the goo might come from the carcasses.

Now try touching the water with those in mind?

I didn’t have the heart to tell W when we cross the street as I don’t wanna mind fuck him too much. He was wearing his nice shoe and he’s already tulanfied with the wet conditions.

But I know I am an ass when I went home to change my shoe and socks first and left him alone in Sunway for a while.

Cannot tahan la my shoe smell like fuck after that ordeal. And it started to itch between my toes. I don’t wanna go home only to realise I have another claw growing from my feet.

And so W reached early to the place; prolly about 6PM. Only to realise that the event will only start at 7.30PM.

The media invite STATES that it starts at 6.30PM. So if it’s late at least have the courtesy to tell us that it’s gonna be late la.

Ok but nevermind, I thought shit does happen and it’s raining anyway so might as well just go in and have a sit first la.

We mingled a bit here and there. The waiting was fucked up but luckily there were beer to cool us down a bit.

So we waited.

And waited and drank.

And waited and drank somemore.

And THEN we waited and drank somemore. W was playing games on his phone. I went idle mode.

And the event didn’t even happen until like almost fucking 9PM WTF!

And they group the media in some fucking small area we can barely SIT! It’s like we are chicken in a barn or something.

I thought the food is gonna be better la after all that but NOOOO! I don’t know what we ate last night. Cos you know why?

It looks the same and tastes the same. And it doesn’t matter if they served it in different plates.

And then after a while, I realise something was not right.

The event was delayed not because of any agenda that they follow. The event became slow ALL BECAUSE they were waiting for celebrities! Ok I don’t know how they grade celebrities anymore so…

Oh maybe celebrities are more important than the media. Hmmm… Okay. Dunno don’t care.

But the ultimate combo hit me, when my beer taste like cockroach.

I confirmed it with a couple of people. Then I walked out of the event when the CEO started the opening speech and vow not to look back even if they call.

As if they will call.